What would your younger self say?

When I returned from my last trip, I thought I was heading back to Germany for a few months to work, before I would head off again. The Pandemic however stopped me in my tracks and forced me into staying put for a few years. Those years were not ideal for me. I moved apartments 3 times, changed jobs 6 times - working through every lockdown - changed cities twice and fell into a massive hole mentally, physically and financially.
For me, it was a time when I worked really hard and multiple jobs at the same time, but somehow could not catch a break with bills, deposits, bureaucracy and life itself. I arrived back from my travels with no money and therefor had nothing to fall back to. During that time I had a few experimental ideas on how to save money, I could not buy enough food, so decided to turn my fridge off to save on my electric bill. I only heated my place to avoid mold and slept on a mattress on the floor with 5 blankets to avoid a high heating bill. I walked most places and rode my bike through storms, pouring rain and the summer heat trying to save costs on public transport. When I got Sierra, I saved every cent for her to make sure she had enough to eat and her insurance was paid. You probably ask why I got her in the first place when I wasn't even able to properly eat myself. But I needed a companion, I needed a reason to get up in the morning. And living a life with no friends close by was too hard. But this is another story.

After almost a decade of travelling, I only remembered this kind of life. The life where I was on the move. Heading to new countries every few months and living outside my backpack. I was not able to understand and grasp how I can possibly be happy with temporarily settling down in a place I ran away from to start with. But while attending therapy, I learned that it was crucial that I had to change my mindset and the way I look at things. I started to shift my focus, learned to ask for and accept help, spend the year 2022 and 2023 on healing my mind and doing everything to turn my life around.

I started making goals. I wanted to get my own place again (my parents allowed me to rent a small space from them, so I was able to escape the big city of Hamburg and recover), focus on getting a job that paid above minimum wage and that I was able to do remotely, and I wanted to fill my fridge to the rim at least once. Get a pizza and eat a fresh salad with expensive, fancy ingredients and a self-made dressing (not that store bought mini package). Not gigantic goals, but for me, they seemed so far out of range that I felt it was almost impossible to achieve.

Back then I dreamed of a small cute place close to a forest, lakes, fields and a job that paid enough that I was able to pay my bills and simultaneously put a little bit aside for adventures and my savings. I dreamed off having a garden to sit and a real bed to sleep in while planning an adventure that was within reach.

Fast-forward one year and here I am writing this in a chair in my garden with the sun in my face. I just got a promotion at work, and I am currently setting up my own coaching business. There is a field right outside my gate that is covered in beautiful yellow flowers and the only reason my fridge only has Tofu and Sauerkraut in it, is because I was too lazy to go to the store. I am currently planning a three week bikepacking trip in the summer with my best friend and Sierra and am able to put some money aside for when life decides it's time for another curveball. Because as my therapist says: This too shall pass. Be ready when it does.

If you had told me a year ago that this is what life looks like for me right now, I would have not believed you. I Probably not even had the energy to laugh about it. It was a dream too big, I had confidence motivation or energy to make it happen. Back then, I wanted what I know have.

And it makes me tear up every time I think about it. I did get a lot of help along the way (places to crash, donated furniture and utilities, loans to cover deposits) and am beyond grateful as I really believe I could not have made it this smoothly otherwise. But it was a tough ride. It was not easy. And I am so proud I pulled through, even though I had already given up.

I now have what I dreamed off last year. I learned first hand that we are capable to turn our life around, if the circumstances allow a change. As long as we have dreams and a portion of hope, work hard and grasp to our last straw - no matter how thin -  we can make it happen. Of course, I had to adapt my dreams a bit. I know that I won't be able to buy a house, do another thruhike or buy a car this year. But I found goals that are achievable and that I am fulfilled with. My other dreams, however, the ones that need more financial backbone, are not forgotten about. They have simply been pushed to a different timeline. A timeline where I need to save a bit more money for.

Looking back, I feel a tremendous surge of gratitude. My heart is full and my outlook on life is filled with pure excitement. I am excited to see what my life looks like one year from now. What I am able to achieve or where I might need to adjust. The dream is to be successful within my coaching business, I want to head off into a new adventure and plan for my own little cottage somewhere. Knowing that I can do anything I set me mind to, makes me really hopeful that there is a real chance that I can make this happen as well.

If I could head back and tell my younger self one thing. I will tell her with a smile that we are fine, that we made it through the dark times and that we achieved what we dreamed off. Now it's time to see what my older self would tell my current self. But this is a story for later.